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cpj_20190401
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The Cooper Point Journal (April 01, 2019)
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1 April 2019
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extracted text
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the pooper point urinal
A
PR
IL
FO
O
L’
S!
!!
The Evergreen State College Newspaper Since 1971| April 1,2019
TESC RANKED #1
None of this is real,
just a joke.
@yourCPJ
SPRING 2019 CATALOG
SPEEDY BRIDGES???
3
Check the date, and
the title, seriously!
6
Please don’t be mad at us,
we just think we’re funny. 8
APRIL FOOL’S DAY, 2019 / THE COOPER POINT JOURNAL
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Morrissey Morrissey
A r t s & C u lt u r e E d i t o r
B r i t t a n y a n a P i e r ro
M anaging E ditor & W eb
D a n i e l Vo g e l
master
Copy Editor
S teph Bec k Fe y
Distribution Manager
Al li s on L eD u c
Writers
Mar ta Ta hja -S y ret t
Daniel P f eif le
Mar iah G u il f o il-D o vel
S teph Bec k Fe y
CONTACT
O f f i ce
T h e E v e r g re e n S t a t e C o l l e g e
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2 7 0 0 E v e r g re e n P k w y N W
O l y m p i a , WA
Call Us
(360) 328 1333
Visit Us
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COVER ART BY
C P J S TA F F
T w i t t e r / F a ceb o o k / I n s ta
@yourCPJ
© 2018 the Cooper Point Journal
2
WWW.COOPERPOINTJOURNAL.COM
FROM THE ARCHIVES Remember when the clock tower emmitted that strange smoke, gained
sentiance, and then grew 100,000,000 stories into space before announcing its plan for the all of humanity
and clocks alike? That was pretty cool. Courtesy of The Evergreeen State College archives.
HOW WE WORK
The Cooper Point Journal is allegedly produced by students at The Evergreen State College, with alleged
funding from student fees and advertising from local businesses. The Journal is published for free every other
Wednesday during the school year and distributed throughout the Olympia area, usually.
Our content is also available online at www.cooperpointjournal.com.
Our mission is to provide an outlet for student voices, and to inform and entertain the Evergreen community
and the Olympia-area more broadly, as well as to provide a platform for students to learn about operating a
news publication.
Our office is located on the third floor of the Campus Activities Building (CAB) at Evergreen State College
in room 332 and we have open student meetings from 2 p.m. to 3 p.m. every Wednesday. Come early if you’d
like to chat with the editor!
WORK FOR US
We accept submissions from any student at The Evergreen State College, and also from former students, faculty, cats, possums, angelic beings, cyborgs, posers, and staff. We also hire some students onto our staff, who
write articles for each issue and receive a learning stipend.
Have an exciting news topic? Know about some weird community happening? Enjoy that new hardcore
band? Come talk to us and write about it.
We will also consider submissions from non-Evergreen people, animals, and mythical creatures (as well as the
occasional plantlife) particularly if they have special knowledge on the topic.
To submit an article, reach us at cooperpointjournal@gmail.com.
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
We want to hear from you! If you have an opinion on anything we’ve reported in the paper, or goings-on in
Olympia or at Evergreen, drop us a line with a paragraph or two (100 - 300 words) for us to publish in the
paper. Make sure to include your full name, and your relationship to the college—are you a student, staff,
graduate, community member, etc. We reserve the right to edit anything submitted to us before publishing,
but we’ll do our best to consult with you about any major changes.
Fake News
A plain view of The Evergreen State College ‘s grand courtyard.
by Marta
Tahja-Syrett
Since its establishment in
1967, The Evergreen State
College has not once waned
from its consistently favorable position in the public
eye. Evergreen is a college
renowned for its remarkable public relations, lack of
hipster clientele, and ample
faculty pay. The school also
boasts of its student population, a group of individuals
prized for their academic diligence. The Evergreen State
College’s undeniable success
has led it to be recognized as
the United State’s top-ranking institution of higher education. In 2019, Evergreen
is once again stunning the
nation with the fruits of its
labor.
Many people attribute
the college’s first-rate nomination to its rigorous acceptance rate, traditional
methods of pedagogy, and
Evergreen’s victorious mission to abolish all bigotry
(which, in turn, fosters the
tranquil atmosphere of the
campus). Evergreen shockingly admits only 96 percent
of its applicants and requires
a GPA minimum of 2.0 to
apply. Because of Evergreen’s
extreme selectiveness, the
college’s student body is composed solely of intellectual
masterminds. At this institution, one will never stumble upon marijuana-induced
conversations surrounding
self-identification with the
feline specimen. Phrases
such as “I identify as a cat”
are snuffed out long before
reaching the brilliance of Evergreen’s air; the students of
this college demonstrate only
the utmost levels of professionalism when conversing
with one another (especially
in the cafeteria, the mess-hall
of highbrow debate).
The Evergreen State College follows a strict, conventional teaching itinerary. Students at this establishment
are never caught between
the marijuana-induced mitts
of
procrastination—every
assignment here is turned
in well before the college’s
impassable deadlines. Each
professor at this institution
honors singular subject instruction, leaving the college
entirely free of interdisciplinary education. This has proven to be an extremely effective teaching style, as studies
now show that people in the
real world don’t actually need
critical thinking skills to be
successful. Integrative learning has completely proven
itself to be a wasted effort in
recent years, due to our new
understanding that all of life’s
occurrences exist completely
removed from one another.
Without the excellent
teaching capabilities of Evergreen faculty, such conventional wisdom would fail
to thrive on this campus of
traditionalism. Perhaps the
reason that Evergreen is able
to retain such noteworthy
professors is its extremely
generous pay. According to
Evergreen’s website, last year
faculty with a Master’s degree were paid a whopping
$40,513 during their first
year of teaching. Each year,
Evergreen professors are provided with a substantial salary increase, as well — a nice
incentive, totaling to a grand
$91,324 after 60 years in the
field (which is only $98,901
less than the salary of an av-
erage University of British
Columbia professor, according to the University of British Columbia’s website).
The Evergreen State College has also earned its status
of reputability by promoting
a campus-wide climate of
peace. Both Evergreen’s attendants and faculty members abide by the school’s
rarely-mentioned code of
conduct, which includes
inclusivity,
open-mindedness, and the obliteration of
all forms of bias (especially
bias in the form of a Caucasian-hipster-savior archetype). Hypocrisy never seeps
through the cracks of this
perfect little western Washington institution, where rain
falls daily, wiping away all
of the school’s non-existent
failures.
APRIL FOOL’S DAY, 2019 / THE COOPER POINT JOURNAL
Fake News
Artsy
Fartsy
DAT
ED
mo
de
a
Notes On Style: Evergreens New
Identity Standards & Brand Guidelines
In a recent swipe of the
Invisible Hand that guides
the choices of this brutalist institution, trickled
down from the offices of
President, Public Relations, Marketing, and so
on, comes word of a newly
sanctioned Style Guide for
The Evergreen State College Community at large.
#nice
In the last year, the
school’s website added a
Comprehensive Page covering the Multipronged
New Guide aimed at
squelching any deviance
regarding our color scheme,
logos, proper names, and
other hard and fast rules
committed to Sharing Our
Brand for All External
Communications. “Evergreen has powerful stories
to tell,” the page reads,
and the folks at Marketing
want us as prepared as any
instagram model on how
4
to #ShareOurBrand!
When rushed by a reporter and confronted
with the new style guide
platitudes, student Jorisha
Mayo said, “That’s hella
weird.”
Much like advice anyone could take for a good
dating profile (or a corporate entity), the style
guide says, “A strong visual
identity and consistent expression of our distinction
will provide the unifying
elements necessary for a
story that resonates.” Lead
with a good photo, then
say how you’re totally different from other schools.
Something that can make
anyone #SwipeRightOnEvergreen
Then there is a page
dedicated to proper names.
We are to call our school
The Evergreen State College, or Evergreen, or not
at all. The Brand Guide
WWW.COOPERPOINTJOURNAL.COM
also wants us to know that,
“Evergreen’s
full-name
logo should not be your
first choice, as the primary
brand is the word ‘Evergreen’ alone.” Furthermore,
the school rebukes any initialisms — that is, ESC,
and especially TESC.
Web Manager for the
Cooper Point Journal and
staunch social critic Daniel
Vogel called the school’s
stand against initialisms
“idiotic with a big name
like that.”
Our new logos are more
standard than the last, affectionately lopsided iteration, though they still
include a silhouetted cedar, mountain, and single
sky sphere, alongside our
name, of course stylized in
lowercase to be cool.
The image and words
are now centered, and vectorized, a change which
the Journal’s own Busi-
s
rn
k
e
le
ness Manager Morrissey
Morrissey suggested is, “a
symptom of them trying
to smooth out the roughness of campus culture that
makes Evergreen what it
is.” Wow! Interpretation
for the win.
Later in the Style Guide,
among the guidelines for
photography representing
Our Evergreen Brand, is a
line declaring how photos
should highlight “diverse
students
collaborating.”
This explains why three
different pictures of my
black friend were on the
websites front page for
months! #InclusiveExcellence at its finest.
To ensure the Evergreen
Community we are in the
best hands through this
transition from an inconsistent, vagabond style to
a Sleek, Revamped Brand,
the announcement of the
style guide ensures the
by Mason Soto
changes were “developed in
partnership with GMMB,
a top branding firm.”
#Winning #NotAnAd
The national firm lists
a number of Modern Services on their website including
“Advertising”,
“Brand Strategy”, and a
peculiarly named “Movement Building” — could
Evergreen stage the next
Great Cultural Moment,
replacing Kendall Jenner
and Pepsi as the vanguards
of progress? Only time will
tell.
Let it be known that
while these rules define
how we must represent the
school to outsiders, internal communications must
be forgiven for their traditionalism. (Looking at you,
TESCWireless.)
Let it also be known
that the Journal’s own style
guide is pending, indefinitely.
Listicle (ft. real comments)
TOP 10 COOPER POINT JOURNAL Ranked AND
Rated for Spiciness
FACEBOOK COMMENTS
10. “Facebook is not journalism, CPJ.”
9. “Oppression?.....lol...commies suck.”
8. “DwEwGwEwNwEwRwAwTwEwS”
7. “ You broke rule #00002 of journalism you were too fucking stoned to put the
fucking link in. My 4th grader knows
that shit.”
6. “This is why Evergreen is dying.”
5. “And thus any pretense of journalistic
neutrality is lost.”
4. “Sounds like someone wanted to be Gay
for Pay, and never got paid. :/”
3. “agent provocateur”
2. “This must be the reason tRUMP is
President - our fuckin’ Greeners are dumb
as a sack of rocks…”
1. “ You idiot youngsters at the Pooper
Point Urinal just fucking amaze me how
you can imitate the stupidity of Trump.
The link goes to two pages of art, no
interview. You need to put the pipe
down and quit getting high.”
Hot Take Rating: ,
We can only not do journalism with help
from readers like you. Thank you.
Hot Take Rating: ,,
Lacks comprehensive critique, yet the gist is there.
Hot Take Rating: ,,
Not exactly original, but unique delivery!
Hot Take Rating: ,,,
Very precise number usage,
lost points for trite stoner mention.
Hot Take Rating: ,,,
Was in response to article about student demands
for renewable energy. Creative!
Hot Take Rating:,,,,
Let us know when you’ve found it ?
Hot Take Rating: ,,,,
Probably accurate.
Hot Take Rating: ,,,,
Brief, uncapitalized, and evocative. Brava.
Hot Take Rating: ,,,,,
Can’t tell if a liberal or conservative posted this one.
Is this progress?
Hot Take Rating:,,,,,
Managed to mention Trump, weed, and the actual
article in question. #Powerful and #brave.
APRIL FOOL’S DAY, 2019 / THE COOPER POINT JOURNAL
Art, or Conspiracy?
question
Have you
SPEEDY-BRIDG
CONSPIRACY E
6
WWW.COOPERPOINTJOURNAL.COM
Both, Perhaps...
u ever seen them in the
same place?
All photos courtesy of Evergreen archives.
GES
EXPOSED
Contact the Cooper Point Journal with any
information, testimonies, or leads on the
Speedy-Bridges Truther Conspiracy at our
email cooperpointjournal@gmail.com
????????
APRIL FOOL’S DAY, 2019 / THE COOPER POINT JOURNAL
Satire
Highlights from the
Evergreen Academic
I’m Not Sure What
This Is About But Arting Away Your
Everyone Keeps
Last Relationship:
Nodding
A Series
Much of our time as students,
as people, as living beings, is spent
not knowing what is going on. In
this program, no one understands,
and yet we sit and nod together for hours several days a week.
We wander through our classes, through our jobs, through the
rote routes of the everyday, and we
rarely stop to ask — what are we
all doing here? Rather than aiming to answer that inquiry, “I’m
Not Sure What This Is About
But Everyone Keeps Nodding” is
about refusing to ask, refusing to
know what you are learning, and
embracing the blissful nod of ignorance. Students will progress
through readings with no chance
of comprehension, work through
seminar in near silence, and culminate their un-understandings
by opting out of the optional final
presentation.
8 Credits Unlearning
4 Credits Participation
8
As we reach the end of cuffing season the air is aflutter with
fresh heartbreak. Turn the heart
wrenching stories your friends
are tired of hearing into fresh
art. The program booklist will
include past works from alumni
such as: “and then they blocked
me on instagram but kept showing up to le vouyer: a spoken word
mixed tape”, “I Told You It Wasn’t
A Good Idea to Get a Puppy 3
Weeks In”, and the seminal manifesto No I won’t get off your HBO
account Game of Thrones is coming out soon and your mom’s the
one paying for it anyway! There
will also be a class visit from graduating senior Rebecca Clark, who
will give a lecture on “how she
was the first one to date ryan and
she told you he was a fuckboy but
you didn’t listen,” as well as the
follow up lecture, “How To Deal
with Ryan Now Dating Your ‘Best
Friend’ From Freshman Year.”
8 Credits Artistic Practice
4 Credits Oversharing
4 Credits Libel
WWW.COOPERPOINTJOURNAL.COM
Spotting
Chemtrails:
Ornithology in The
New World Order
Look to the skies and the dark
web for this exploration of spotting conspiracy in everyday minutiae. The main focus this Spring
Quarter will be on developing
skills to tell the difference between a cloud that reveals secret
biochemical warfare, and a simple
cirrus. If you have ever wondered
about chemtrails, the Earth’s status as a sphere, or whether the government is turning the frogs gay,
this program is for you. Students
will debate the authenticity of historical moments and phenomena
such as the lunar landing, Avril
Lavigne’s clone, and the continent
of Australia, using critical thinking skills to accept wholeheartedly
that secret societies control every
facet of life as we know it.
8 Credits Meteorology
4 Credits Criticism
AV Support:
Student Turned
Teacher
In this Freaky Friday of a class,
students will explore in depth that
phenomena that has no doubt
touched all of our lives: helping
your professor navigate a computer. We’ve all been there, fifteen
minutes into the third day of class,
the professor trying their best to
pull up a Canvas page, or open a
presentation, but low and behold
the resulting minimum eight years
between a Master’s and a professorship has wiped all technological
know-how from their mind. Zoom
in on these moments in this handson program by learning how to
push through that awkward silence
as the class watches the professor
flail, and to work with beloved and
tenured faculty to finally get that
presentation going.
4 Credits Practical Technology
4 Credits Communication
April Fool’s!
Spring 2019
Catalog
The almighty Clock Tower, 2012. SHAUNA BITTLE.
by Mason Soto &
Georgie Fehringer
Life As An Ant
As a human being and as a student there are many times we feel
small: in our lives, in our pursuits
and in comparison to the unwieldy world. This class asks you
to think smaller. How dreadful is
an unstarted final project in Week
8 compared to the unstoppable
force of a human foot closing in
to squish you under brand new,
unbroken-in Doc Martens? Think
ant, and carry your group partners’
weight in a project where everyone was assigned tasks but only
you will be completing it. How
might the dorms be comparable
to an ant hill? Dark, dreary, and
dusty, our lives intertwine in marvelous ways.
8 Credits Existential
Philosophy
8 Credits Anti-Anthropocentric
Theory
Talking To Trees:
A Class Where We
Talk To Trees
This program will ask students
to talk to trees. The Pacific Northwest is home to many trees, including Douglas Fir, Red Cedar,
Vine Maple, Black Cottonwood,
Red Alder, Cascara, Bigleaf Maple, Western Hemlock, Mountain
Hemlock, Sitka Spruce, Engelmann Spruce, Grand Fir, Noble
Fir, Pacific Silver Fir, Western
White Pine, Common Juniper,
Pacific Yew, Alaska Yellow Cedar,
Rocky Mountain Juniper, Ponderosa Pine, and Western Larch. We
will talk to all of them.
4 Credits Learning Across
Differences
4 Credits Botany
Honorable
Mentions:
• How To Choose An Unintelligible Degree: Scaring
Off Potential Employers
• SOS: How To Run A Failing Newspaper, Taught by
Georgie Fehringer & Mason
Soto
• Wordy Titles: How To Use
Colons: Extended Version
• Using Chalk Graffiti To
Your Advantage
• Underwater Basket Weaving
• Alternatives To Capitalism:
How To Stop Sleeping In
During Protests
APRIL FOOL’S DAY, 2019 / THE COOPER POINT JOURNAL
Letters & Comix (and ads!)
Letter From The Editors
over the Internet or in a letter to
the editor? Think again, fucker.
As we speak I am contacting my
secret network of reporters across
Evergreen and your IP is being
traced right now so you better
prepare for the expose, maggot.
The story that wipes out the
pathetic little thing you call your
life. You’re fucking done, kid. I
can be anywhere, anytime, and
I can write a story about you in
over seven hundred ways, and
that’s just with my bare hands.
Not only am I extensively trained
in community advocacy, but I
have access to the entire arsenal
of the Evergreen State College
Student Publications Department and I will use it to its full
extent to expose your miserable
ass off the face of the continent,
you little shit. If only you could
have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment
was about to bring down upon
you, maybe you would have held
your fucking tongue. But you
couldn’t, you didn’t, and now
you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit journalistic
excellence all over you and you
will drown in it. You’re fucking
done, kiddo.
COMIX
What the fuck did you just
fucking say about me, you little
bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my narratively-evaluated class in the journalism
programs, and I’ve been involved
in numerous investigative exposes on The Administration, and
I have over 250,000 hits on the
Web. I am trained in advocacy journalism and I’m the best
newspaper in the entire Olympia
area. You are nothing to me but
just another story. I will wipe you
the fuck out with journalistic
integrity the likes of which has
never been seen before on this
Earth, mark my fucking written
words. You think you can get
away with saying that shit to me
Gnu Movie Review by Isaac, Severin, and Kelly
10
WWW.COOPERPOINTJOURNAL.COM
Horoscopes (are never a joke they’re always VERY serious)
RUBY THOMPSON.
ARIES
3/21 - 4/19
by Mariah Guilfoil-Dovel
Your horoscope: IT’S ARIES SZN GET READY
You: OH FORK YEAH IT IS
TAURUS 4/20 - 5/20
Your horoscope: Now that it is Aries season…
You: Oh no, my roommate’s birthday is this month.
They’re an Aries. I’m gonna have to move.
See
something
you like?
WRITE FOR US
Send your sumbissions
and pitches to
cooperpointjournal.com
GEMINI 5/21 - 6/20
Your horoscope: This is a time for singleness, end
all romantic relationships for the time being.
You: Calls partner immediately “I’m sorry we have
to get a divorce, my horoscope
said it’s not in the stars”
SCORPIO
10/23 - 11/21
Your horoscope: Something that
you can’t really relate to
You: “Well I heard you’re suppose to look at the one
after your sign to really get the truest horoscope”
Your horoscope: Mercury is in retrograde so all
your crazy anxiety and self doubt are about to hit
you hard.
You: *posts on twitter* It’s about to get liittttyyy
up in heree
CANCER 6/21 - 7/22
Your horscope: Powerful Uranus and Confident
Mars are aligning this week…
You: *Laughs* They said Uranus
SAGITTARIUS
11/22- 12/21
Your horoscope: The moon and stars they
wept, the morning star was dead…
You: That is so deep.
LEO 7/23 - 8/22
CAPRICORN 12/22- 1/19
Your horscope: Life was meant to be enjoyed
You: “I need to cancel my math class ASAP”
VIRGO 8/23 - 9/22
LIBRA
9/23 - 10/22
Your horoscope: You are mean and have no friends.
You: Harsh but true.
Your horoscope: Don’t be naive
this week and listen to what everyone tells you
You: Okay I need to listen to this. This stranger is
correct.
AQUARIUS 1/20 - 2/18
Your horoscope: Some people
are mean, don’t be like them.
You: WOW… WOW… I mean how do
they ALWAYS GET IT RIGHT
PISCES 2/19 - 3/20
Your horoscope: You deserve to breathe
You: OH MY GOD… that is so true, *starts emotionally crying and fanning face in hopes that the
wind will dry tears before ruining makeup*
APRIL FOOL’S DAY, 2019 / THE COOPER POINT JOURNAL
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cpj_20190401.pdf